“The Finger Thing Means the Taxes!”

Greetings, gentle reader. It’s been a while since I wrote anything, and as usual I have as many ideas as I have excuses, but today I had a rare day off to myself, so I decided to sit down and hammer something out. I then decided to delete half of it and rework the remaining half, and now I’m left with this half-assed whole blog post, and you get to reap the “benefits”.

What an absolute piece of shit this year has been, eh?

Sorry, I’ve never been good at small talk. But here’s a “large talk” thing that’s on my mind right now, in part for reasons that were included in the deleted half of this post (and which may still surface here someday). Don’t worry, I’m barely making sense to myself here.

Someone I know told me recently that their taxes are going to go up under Joe Biden’s tax plan. I assume Trump told them this, but I don’t know for sure, because I don’t listen to that fuckin blowhard. Regardless of where they got that information, the fact is I don’t know anyone who makes over $400,000 per year, which means I don’t know anyone whose income taxes will increase under Biden’s tax plan. And don’t mistake this as an endorsement of Joe Biden; I didn’t vote for Joe Biden so much as I voted against Donald Trump. Some members of my family might be bothered by that, but I sincerely couldn’t possibly care any less about that than I already do. I would’ve voted to eat a turd every day for the rest of my life over another four years of Donald Trump.

Watch this:

I just think it’s really funny, is all.

On an at-first-seemingly-unrelated note, I learned today that Tiffany & Co. sells a sterling silver dog dish for $2,500. Here’s a screenshot, in case you don’t wanna give their website any traffic:

“Add a whimsical touch to your home with this bowl that any dog will love.”

True story: I once saw a dog eat cat poop, throw it up, and then eat the throwup. Dogs will drink antifreeze. I love dogs more than I love most people, but it’s a fact that most dogs are pretty dumb about a lot of things, and I guarantee you there isn’t a dog in existence who cares one way or the other if its food and water are served in sterling silver bowls, as long as you give it food and water. And if I’m wrong, and there is a dog in existence that expects its food and water in a sterling silver bowl? Well then that dog is an asshole.

On a side note, if sterling silver adds a “whimsical touch” to your home, your home is probably as whimiscal as the average tomb.

There is a smaller version of this bowl available for “only” $1,800, but that’s not any less stupid.

Speaking of “Bone China”…

Anyway, that whimsical-ass silver dog dish isn’t even almost close to being the most expensive item listed on the Tiffany & Co. website. They offer a non-functioning decorative greenhouse for $275,000. That’s approximately two times more than I paid for my real house. Granted, my real house wasn’t “hand-assembled by the finest Tiffany artisans”, but I can stand inside my real house, so that’s gotta be worth something.

Peep those dimensions on the bottom right, folks.

And even that Barbie Dream Artisan Greenhouse doesn’t approach the most expensive item on the Tiffany & Co. website (the most expensive thing I could find that didn’t require booking an appointment just to be told how much it cost was a $630,000 necklace). Stuff like this is designed for the kind of assholes who pay $400 for plain white t-shirts. Like Patrick Bateman-level shit.

Here’s a stone cold fact (with apologies to Stone Cold Steve Austin): if you can’t afford to throw your money away on a $2,500 sterling silver bowl for your dog to eat thrown-up cat poop out of, you will not be paying more income taxes under Joe Biden’s tax plan.

I was unable to find any sterling silver diamond studded hand-crafted artisan guillotines on the Tiffany & Co. website. Maybe Armani makes a nice leatherbound model.

I’m sure I would’ve had to book an appointment to look at them anyway.

Thanks for reading. As usual, I don’t really know what the point might be, or if I even have a point, but I do know this: the world can be pretty goddamn shitty and unfair sometime, and while I may not always act like it it, I do sincerely believe kindness and compassion will win in the end. It’s just a matter of making it happen. Be the change you wish to see, and all that shit. The eviction of the Current Resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave on January 20th will be a breath of fresh air, but it has to start with each of us. Look out for each other. It literally costs nothing to not be a dick.

Open this fucking pit up!

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